i want to…

I want to cry

But they won’t come out

The sounds of a lonely man are muffled

I’m drowning in my own mind

My sanctuary has turned into hell

My skin turned red

Flames all around me

Never felt before

This isn’t me 

I’ve lost myself

Is what I’m figuring out

My love for you has exploded recently like a black hole

Now I’m left with a void in my heart that 

Only the weight of my character can fill

I need a breath 

I’ve been consumed by my love

Wish I spared some for self

I don’t blame you

I dug this hole myself 

So much insecurity

Behind this macho masculinity

Every day this weighs heavy on my conscience

When will I be enough?

The question is not for you to answer

I have to find it myself

The weak man in me seeks reassurance

But you hold up a painful mirror

Say that you won’t leave me for anyone else

After all, I spent my childhood wishing I was everybody else

Say that there’s no one better

After all, I don’t think I’m better than anyone else

Say you love me

After all, I don’t love myself

I know it’s ugly seeing me on my knees

Please forgive me

After all, I apologize for everything that goes wrong

I’ve been so strong 

I don’t think I can take anymore

No fancy lines 

Just an SOS 

From someone who’s never called for help

Please don’t judge me

After all, I only think bad about myself

I know there’s no comparison but I feel like a one

And not the one

I want to cry

But they’re scared to come out

I’ve let everyone down including myself

Grand visions with nothing carried out

Everything telling me to quit and go out

I can’t write anymore

My hands feel weak

I’ve burnt myself out

I’m dead like embers in the ground

Flames are gentle

I’ve been left without nurture

Whines a weak man 

These words are my silent screams

Let me empty my soul

Empty my mind

Onto these pages

Till I can’t anymore

And all I’m left with is peace

I know how this sounds

But I’m unafraid

I’m only human

I can fall 

But I’m learning to pick myself up with this pen

And build the strength 

Of the man in me that I write about

Who’s mind I share

Who’s vision I see

A better version of me

An ordinary man

Who’s heart you don’t see every day

He’s the man I aspire to be

I can’t share my insecurities

I know you found yourself after you lost me

I’m afraid I never learned to live without you

That I’m too dependent

Things I keep buried deep inside

Because in your eyes I’m a strong man

I’ll be there when you need

I won’t shed a tear

You don’t have to do the same for me my dear

The best time to break a tear is when it’s pouring at night

These thoughts keep me awake like light under the door