most things are futile 

but we do them anyway

when you are serious, no effort is futile if it is intentional

but how often am i serious?

how much of life going on around me do i even notice?

nature’s gears spin around you 

there are an unimaginable amount of mechanisms at play 

every individual’s emotions that moment are dictated by what happened the last hour dictated by what happened that day, dictated by that week, that month, their whole life leading them to that present moment

the universal forces of physics at play when objects are moved about, technology is used, food is cooked

information traveling at every speed, from word of mouth, exchanging information about a friend group in a conversation, texting throughout the day with excitement building towards intercourse planned for later that night, to bits traveling through a fiber cable laying at the bottom of the ocean connecting the world

the complexities that make up the present are such that every automaton is made up of more automatons 

examining the world like this is like watching a magician after you’ve learned his tricks

the veil of the unknown is lifted much like the answer to the meaning of life.

and there is nothing there

but if it were 

it would just be a machine that keeps on running 

because although there is no purpose, you can still interact with it

turn up the dials on different feelings

pleasure to a hundy p

depression to a hundy p

self-control to zero p

guilt to eighty p 

where do i go when all the paths lead nowhere?

maybe they do lead to places, but i don’t want to go

it is scary not knowing whether you’re indifferent to it or sloth 

the feeling inside dictates your life despite having the same outcome 

your experience could be peace if your mind is sorted or it could be a burden if your mind is sloth

i can’t make any real change to my life because i do not know what to make of the complexities

i feel powerless in comparison to the mechanisms at play

the arrogance, aggression, and survivalist attitude of society is something i have not picked up

i only know how to appreciate what i have left on my plate if somebody steals from me

doestevsky said beauty will save the world, 

i can see the beauty in the world but i don’t think the world wants to be saved

chaos is the default

i need to save myself