dead man
now and then
wearing my fathers tie
its print making it clear which era it is from
i feel like my father, because it is wearing me – not me wearing the tie
the last time it was worn was when he was in his 20’s accepting an award from the university he so proudly contributed to
but here i am 3 decades later – his same age
at his caliber and his potential – but without having actualised anything yet
life and time is pulling me apart like ropes attached to each of my limbs and sins pulled by horses
and there i lay staring into the eternal blue sky
starting to feel the pain, and finally, time slowing
now and then
me and my dad argue over the most meanless matters
but afterwards i get sad thinking about everything this man has been through
and the quality of life he has ended up with
if he goes away he will never experience the things i have visioned for his life; our life
neither will my mum
she has been mining concrete so stressfully with her bare hands for an existence that was already within her possession
i hope one day, i can teach her to eat plain bread in a way that it makes it taste as sweet as honey
and my sister, developing her own beauty in this world from the tiny glimpse she has seen
like knowing what it feels like to wear a gorgeous floral dress on a summer day with the sun shining, seeing the butterflies dancing and butterflies in her stomach
– but from having only seen it through the window of the shop
we are like a dysfunctional family lost in a smoking & burning house
each acting out their own programming and not being able to coordinate seeing each other
now and then
there are moments of hope
moments of pleasure and pain
for me, mostly trances, but like a beautiful girl walking by, moments that catch my fleeting attention
and like that, I’ve ended up where I am
withdrawn, confused, amazed, and every other adjective that describes the little lonesome life ive lived
i hope i make the change at some point soon
where i can get genuinely serious about the type of life i want to live and have happen to me
that i can love every part of my life – my problems, my pains
everything in between and far beyond my reach