dead man / now and then

wearing my fathers tie 

its print making it clear which era it is from 

i feel like my father, because it is wearing me – not me wearing the tie

the last time it was worn was when he was in his 20’s accepting an award from the university he so proudly contributed to 

but here i am 3 decades later – his same age

at his caliber and his potential – but without having actualised anything yet

life and time is pulling me apart like ropes attached to each of my limbs and sins pulled by horses 

and there i lay staring into the eternal blue sky

starting to feel the pain, and finally, time slowing

now and then 

me and my dad argue over the most meanless matters

but afterwards i get sad thinking about everything this man has been through 

and the quality of life he has ended up with 

if he goes away he will never experience the things i have visioned for his life; our life

neither will my mum 

she has been mining concrete so stressfully with her bare hands for an existence that was already within her possession

i hope one day, i can teach her to eat plain bread in a way that it makes it taste as sweet as honey

and my sister, developing her own beauty in this world from the tiny glimpse she has seen

like knowing what it feels like to wear a gorgeous floral dress on a summer day with the sun shining, seeing the butterflies dancing and butterflies in her stomach

– but from having only seen it through the window of the shop

we are like a dysfunctional family lost in a smoking & burning house

each acting out their own programming and not being able to coordinate seeing each other

now and then

there are moments of hope

moments of pleasure and pain

for me, mostly trances, but like a beautiful girl walking by, moments that catch my fleeting attention

and like that, I’ve ended up where I am 

withdrawn, confused, amazed, and every other adjective that describes the little lonesome life ive lived

i hope i make the change at some point soon

where i can get genuinely serious about the type of life i want to live and have happen to me

that i can love every part of my life – my problems, my pains

everything in between and far beyond my reach