a while ago

a while ago

young man 

here we are 

meeting after months of holding down the fast-forward button

just us two 

our usual meeting spot

where the still of the night washes away our troubled mind

where the noise gets too much and the ears pop 

and you experience an almost euphoric absolution from life

you know i was scared 

scared that i lost you

my true inner voice

i thought i lost myself

the artist within me 

i know it sounds cocky to call myself that when i can not even decide the truth in the smallest moments

when i examine all my daily experiences, i can not say anything is the way it is so definitively 

then i realise no, it is not me that is cocky

the world is cocky

in its assumptions

in its hate

its self-belief that there is one way things are – the way one person experienced it 

not that each experience is a dispersive prism 

that each experience is dispersed through people experiencing their own truth and projecting it as the absolute

this i hate, but this is the way it is and always will be 

there is a realisation that will serve me to receive disappointment with understanding and happiness from others with gratitude

because when people do good things, it is rare and it is pure and self aware

life has also felt like a theater

but with amateur actors 

still learning their roles and how to perform

they get distracted by the lights, people coughing, silence 

young man you are exactly that

you get pulled out of the moment by these distractions, these temptations

which is why we don’t talk that often 

you haven’t called or written to me in months, i get worried like your grandparents

all they want to do is hear your voice, know you’re well and be in your presence

it is not much to ask for but i know you find it difficult 

you are getting washed away with time and your ambitions of a good life are being suffocated 

and you know a good life has nothing to do with money but all to do with growing the fruits of relationships, health and wealth

you do it for the reward in the future, but the pride and joy now

tell me, have you been annoyed? 

yes, but by nothing more than myself

have you fixed your sleep?

not yet but soon! this time for sure!

whats been making you happy recently?  

my sustained happiness, well, that comes from passing my subjects, my working out regiment, my willingness to explore and understand my body and my mind. My work. These are what have been making my life better and of course my love. She is always a source of happiness in my life, beyond the battles we share. 

I long for the things that will give me perennial satisfaction. I am slowly working on that, my mind always gravitates there. 

That is a good sign young man. You recognise that you have come a way but this is the first step on the journey of a thousand more. And you do not have much time to make it to the end. 

i know you are not fully here and your mind wanders, but i appreciate this moment we had here today. It was short and sweet. I am here whenever you need and love being with you during your ebbs and flows in life. 

Go and live some more.
Then come back and tell me about it. I will always be close.